I came to a realization today, and a tough realization at that. While conversing with a friend, I was explaining how I feel that, as a Christian, I am terrible. Let's get things straight, I love God. Really, I do. I think that there aren't enough words, phrases, poems, or thoughts that can really go into describing how amazing God is. There just aren't. And my love for God, well, it's definitely not shown in my every waking moment of my life. Lately it hasn't been shown hardly at all. And this leads me to my realization...so get ready because here it goes.
I love Jesus. I love people who love Jesus. I love people who don't love Jesus. Simply stated, I love people. When I am around people who love Jesus and who live for Him, I flourish as a Christian. Fellowship is SUCH an important thing as a Christian, and I honestly believe that without it, we cannot reach our fullest potential in Christ. Fellowship strengthens us, challenges us, even humbles us. I love having people in my life that help guide my walk. Certainly there is no downside to that, right? Wrong.
*Sidenote* Do not think that I do not appreciate and wholeheartedly love everyone in my life who has acted in some way as a spiritual leader. I know that God put each and every one of you into my life, and I am more blessed than I know and can express. Thank you! *Sidenote done*
Well, there's no downside to those people, so don't think I'm saying that. The downside is my dependence on them. If I do not have my core group of people to guide me, I fail. I altogether stop feeling like a Christian. This used to happen when I would go home for the summer. I would be doing great spiritually, and then I would go home for the summer and just let God fade to the side. To solve the problem, I stopped going home for the summer. This worked perfectly, and my relationship with God only continued to grow. In August, however, I moved. I didn't think it would be too hard to maintain my relationship, and not only maintain but continue to grow as a Christian. I felt like I was so much further up on my "Relationship with God" ladder than I was when I was younger. I was wrong. My relationship with God has basically ceased. Not His side of it so much, just mine. I have been so angry at God for the last few months, when deep down I knew that I wasn't angry at Him, but at myself for being a sucky Christian. Here is my big revelation: I don't have a good relationship with God, even when I am around those people who encourage and help my walk. I have a good relationship with those people. They have a good relationship with God. So therefore, by association, I have managed to convince myself that I have a solid relationship with God. The thing is, a relationship with Christ doesn't apply in the whole "six degrees of separation". You can't have a good relationship with Christ because your friend does. I cannot piggyback my way into a relationship with my savior, and He certainly doesn't want that. God doesn't want me to come to Him only in my time of need, or when it is convenient. And he doesn't want to know me through another person, except through Jesus. God desires me to desire Him. He wants me to want him (Thank you, Cheaptrick!).
Here's the hard part for me. I need to change my mindset that I NEED people to help my walk. From this moment on, my walk with God WILL NOT CEASE if I never see another living person again. My relationship with God is not dependent upon others, but dependent on Him. I need to throw off my laziness and this blanket of excuse that I have been hiding under, and make changes in my life. I need to dedicate myself to constantly pursuing Him, knowing with full faith in the plan that He has for me. The amazing, exciting, perfect-for-Kelly plan that he has designed for my life! Tonight, I am putting my faith, my dependence, and my life back into Christ's hands.
